Sirius Black: A Series of Firsts, Before and After Azkaban
by KaenNoMai
Summary: How Sirius Black was saved by three bright lights. Cross posted on ao3.
1. Before

The first time Sirius Black knew he was unwanted was when he was seven.

"You idiot!" His mum screeched as he stood above the broken vase that used to be one of his mum's greatest possessions. Sirius didn't know why she was so attached to it. It was big and ugly and—

"Go to your room and stay there! Do something useful for a change! Merlin knows nobody wants you here!"

Sirius stared at her in shock. Sure, his parents weren't the nicest around, but, but... He wasn't wanted? Sirius ran to his room and didn't say a word as he collapsed against the door with tears streaming down his face.

He was careful to not make a sound, as, "Black wizards are strong. We do not cry," and hisses of "weakling," voiced venomously in his head.

-/-

The first time Sirius Black knew prejudice was when he was knocked over by a group of fifth year Gryffindor who sneered, "Black," as if it was some sort of curse. Sirius wanted to yell at them, say he wasn't like the rest of his family, but the words got stuck in his throat. Sirius thought that it happened because he knew deep down that he didn't really believe that.

Then a small redhead with a worried face asked if he was okay and helped him up. She took one look at his face and told him that not all people were like that and that they were stupids and shouldn't let them get to him she said with a scowl. She saw someone behind him and smiled, her anger dissolving and asked if he would like to join her friend, but Sirius knew he was a big boy and could find allies just fine himself thanks.

(He would remember his first time he knew kindness to be a fiery temper and a bright smile.)

-/-

Sirius Black remembered his first friend as a whirlwind and a carefree moment where he realized that he didn't have to put any masks on for someone to think him worthwhile. James Potter was a wind, limitless, independent breeze that pushed through Sirius, taking him away up higher than he had ever been. This wind had the potential to blow itself out, burning so brightly until it was destroyed (but that wouldn't happen for a while yet).

-/-

Sirius remembered the first time someone bullied him. The older years had decided he wasn't cut out to be a Gryffindor and knew that he was a snake in disguise.

(Sirius didn't make it back to the dorms until past dawn, only to find James, his first _friend_ , on his bed, still awake. James had jumped up with a worried frown as he saw the weary look on his friends face and told him he was late before giving him a hug. (That was Sirius' first time being comforted. He decided he quite liked that feeling.))

-/-

Sirius remembered the first time someone stood up for him. Ever since he got to Gryffindor, the older years (who had become quite familiar with his dear, dear cousin Bellatrix) had laughed and poked and prodded at him. Sirius was in an abandoned corridor when they found him again. They had only just begun tying him up to dangle from the ceiling when Lily Evans came down upon them with her fiery temper and managed to get every single one of his tormentors to meekly apologize and turn themselves in to McGonagall .As soon as they left, Sirius could only look at the wondrous beauty that was Lily Evans.

-/-

Sirius Black remembered his first prank. James was feeling bored and wanted a laugh and Sirius would do anything with his new friend. (If anyone noticed that those sporting polka dots were the same ones that had tormented Sirius, well, no one said anything.)

(It was the first time Sirius felt protected and loved.)

-/-

Sirius remembered the first time he fell in love.

No, he remembered the first time he realized he was in love.

James and the gang were laughing around on the grounds after exams and Lily and Snivellius were in the shade talking nearby. James saw this, of course, and yelled if she wanted to join them, away from the slimy snake. Lily turned her nose up at them and deliberately turned so she couldn't see them. Sirius saw the red against the green of the grounds and the black and hazel full of laughter. James, who was hardworking, and never let anything get in way of his dreams, and Lily, who stuck to her morals even when it would be easier to compromise them.

Sirius realized he was in love with James and Lily that day.

(It was only natural to fall for the ones who had saved him in the first place.)

-/-

Sirius Black remembered the first time he felt heartbreak.

James had finally gotten Lily to go out with him on a Hogsmead weekend, and Sirius was excited. Moony and Wormtail wanted to go get supplies, so it was only natural that he go with James and Lily. He walked down to the grounds only to find that they didn't wait for him, and watched as James held Lily's hand as he helped her into the carriage, their eyes full of mirth and love; then Sirius realized there was no room for him in this relationship. Sirius fled back to the castle and found solace in the kitchens where no one would find him.

Moony came a while later declaring that it was dinner time and he was hungry. When Sirius didn't reply Moony sighed and asked the house elves, if they weren't too busy, if they could please make them a light dinner. Almost immediately, there were a bunch of roast beef and turkey sandwiches sitting in front of Sirius. Moony said quietly that he knew Sirius was in love with James and Lily, anyone with eyes could see. Except them, as they only had eyes for each other. Then he asked Sirius to please eat, he had been in the kitchens all day and Moony knew he hadn't eaten.

"It- it _hurts_ Moony." Sirius had whispered.

"I know, Padfoot, I know." He sighed.

-/-

Sirius remembered the first time he felt melancholy.

James was at his flat and was nervously pacing around until Sirius finally got him to sit down and tell him what was wrong because he couldn't help him if James didn't bloody tell him what was wrong!

"I'm going to propose."

Sirius has thought he knew what heartbreak was. But this? This was the finalization that they were together, that they did not want him, the crushing of what little hope he had held out that he would be wanted.

So he smiled and said Lily (Lily, with her fiery temper and bright smile) would love to be married to James (James, carefree and like the wind, gentle and demanding all at once), and that she would rather have no other (Sirius, the broken, with no good family, and no good memories).

Later, at the wedding, everyone was happy for the bright spot in the middle of a dark, twisting war; this little spot of bright, pure love raised everybody's spirits. Sirius was best man, toasting to the bride and groom (singular) and generally acting like he was having a good time. Later, when everyone else was drunk, and would remember nothing, Sirius let the facade fall, and left to Moony's flat. He didn't care if he was the traitor, he needed comfort, and if that came from Voldy's left hand then so be it.

(Moony came home five minutes after Sirius had left, saw one look at his face and simply held him as he cried.)

(If this happened again after his loves told him Lily was pregnant, no one had to know.)

-/-

Sirius remembered the first time he was glad his loves left his flat.

They had come over because they thought he looked lonely (they had no idea), and wanted to spend some time with their best friend (who they had come to love as a brother (and nothing hurt more)).

Sirius remembered being glad that they were leaving, because he didn't know how much longer he could act like he was glad to see them, that he didn't mind that they sat next to each other while he was on the other side of the table.

As soon as they were gone, Sirius collapsed next to the couch, no strength left, and left as if their parting had took all his emotion away.

(He stared at that same spot of floor without thinking until he suddenly saw Moony's worried face in front of him. Sirius could see Moony's lips moving, but could hear nothing. He could tell his dissociation was scaring Moony, but he couldn't bring himself to care. In the morning he woke up feeling slightly better, and walked to the kitchen to find Moony making breakfast. He later learned that it had been a day and a half between his loves leaving and Moony coming. (He didn't think Moony was the traitor anymore.))

-/-

Sirius remembered the first time he felt fear for his loves.

It was during the war when James said they needed to go into hiding. That He was specifically targeting them due to some crackpot old prophecy, about Harry. His loves were going into hiding, because although they could protect themselves, they knew they needed to protect little Harry (Harry, with his mother's bright, kind eyes, and his father's carefree, independent streak), who needed both of his parents.

They named him Godfather (and Sirius felt his heart twist, the _irony_ of wishing to be a part of their lovely family, now getting to be in it and fucking it up (Sirius felt like that was all he was good for, nowadays)).

They asked him to be their secret keeper, and he had to decline, knowing that he fucks everything up, and he can't possibly have their lives in his hands, and suggests steadier ones, like Wormy.

(That was the first time he's felt truly proud of himself, when they asked him to be secret keeper. Looking back, it's all irony now, and hurts too much to think about.)

-/-

The first time Sirius felt hate was a couple weeks after his love went into hiding.

Oh, how he _hated_ Wormtail, the fucking traitor. His loves, his poor, poor loves dying before their time, trusting him to make the right decision, to protect them with his life and he _failed_. He was filled with rage, because of this spineless, traitorous, filthy **coward** , his loves were dead and _he was not_. The only thing he could think of was his loves, dead, Harry, surely, and all because of one fucking man they trusted to be on their fucking side.

He found the traitor, but in his shock and anger he got away.

(As the aurors took him away, he laughed, because he remembered Moony telling him that anyone with eyes could see he was in love with Lily and James, and yet the truly believed that _he_ betrayed them? Oh, the irony (Sirius felt like his life was the definition of irony nowadays.))

-/-

The first time Sirius felt true, heart stopping, chilling fear was when he realized he wasn't getting a trial and was instead going to be sent directly to Azkaban, in a high priority cell.

The dementors came, and all he felt was a chilling cold as his worst memories started to play.

(Funnily enough, all his worst memories were of his loves, a mocking of his true feelings, as he watched them again and again (and again, and again and again and again andagainandagain _andagain_ ) leave him for each other, washing wave after wave of pain upon him. (Sometimes his family was involved, but most of his memories that played were of his loves.))


	2. After

The first time Sirius Black felt something was when he saw the traitor.

 _He was innocent._

He saw the traitor on the red head's (Lily, full of life, burning bright, so bright everyone could see, so full of life and love) shoulder. Reading on, he saw that he was a classmate of his godson, he was going to Hogwarts with him- _The traitor was in the same dorm as him._

 _He was innocent._

(He hoped he wouldn't be innocent much longer.)

-/-

The first time Sirius Black knew hope was when he devised his plan to get out of Azkaban.

 _He was innocent._

Oh, there were so many things that could go wrong, but if it worked, _if it worked_ , Sirius could finally commit the murder he was imprisoned for.

 _He was innocent._

The filthy rat would never know what had hit him because no one had ever broken out of this hell hole before.

 _He was innocent._

He waited until the right time, and left.

 _He was innocent._

He was off the island.

 _He was innocent._

He'd made it to the mainland!

 _He was innocent, and he was free._

(This was the first time Sirius was proud of himself. (He couldn't help but wonder what his life had come to.))

-/-

The first time Sirius Black saw his godson was a few weeks later.

He needed to see his loves, and Harry was the perfect mix of them. He was beautiful, like his parents were (James, staring at Sirius in shock), if a little skinny. Sirius saw Harry, and immediately felt protective of his little cub. He would not let that traitor take another one of his family members.

(Sirius made a little prayer to his loves, vowing to protect their son, and that he would give his life before he would see him hurt.)

-/-

The first time Sirius felt wonder was when he watched his (god)son fly.

Merlin, he was amazing. He flew through the sky, looking like James (James, pale, cold, dead, still trying to protect the ones he loved most.) He felt the chill of the dementors and turned tail off the grounds to find safety, knowing he could not find Wormtail if he were captured. He sent a quick prayer to whatever higher powers that Harry would be safe.

(He later found out that Harry had fallen off his broom by over fifty feet because of dementors (him). He sent the Firebolt as an apology).

-/-

The first time he felt anger was on Halloween.

He'd thought it was poetic. He'd go in, and savor killing the traitor, watching him squirm, on the same night he had told Voldy where to find his loves, the same night his loves had died.

He hadn't remembered that you had to have a password to get into Gryffindor Tower.

In his single-minded determination to kill the traitor, he let his focus out and (maybe, sort of, accidently) harmed the Fat Lady.

(He'd come back later.)

-/-

The first time Sirius felt frustration was when he _almost_ killed the traitor.

He'd managed to get through the portrait this time, crept to the dorms, got inside and found where the traitor was at (he was basically salivating at this point), when the red head (bright smiles) woke up. He fled, while feeling true frustration. He was _so close_. He had seen the traitor, he had smelt the fucking bastard, and yet here he was, running because he had _opened the curtains too fucking loudly_. He snarled. He wouldn't get another opportunity.

(Sirius understood he should probably need to see a mind healer at some point, but after he had killed the traitor. Besides, who wouldn't run screaming as soon as they found out who he was?)

-/-

The first time Sirius felt desperation was when he was looking at Harry.

For the first time, he was desperate for Harry to believe him, for anyone to believe him, more than he wanted to kill the traitor. He needed his (god)son to look at something besides hate or fear. He was all that was left of his loves, he was their last legacy.

Harry believed him. (That was the first time he felt joy. Unending, bright joy, when he knew that Harry wouldn't turn his back on him.)

However, Harry wouldn't let him kill the traitor. He wasn't sure if James would have liked that or not, but he ran with Harry's vision.

(He found he didn't care that much about the traitor anymore; he had Harry.)

(He felt loved for the first time later that night when Harry agreed to go live with him.)

-/-

The first time Sirius felt hopeless was when he was captured again.

He was going back. The rat had escaped ( _a flash of silver, blood spurting, a curse, a shockwave- he felt death, twelve deaths, laughter, he didn't think the rat could do it, outsmart him, but clearly he had been smarter than he let on, he got away, he got away-_ ) and it was all his fault. Why didn't he remember it was the full moon? He was supposed to be a better friend, he had known all the full moon's in the year back in school, he would have never left Moony alone then. He was the adult (he didn't feel like one), he was supposed to keep the kids _safe_!

(He felt hope again as Harry and Hermione (the brightest witch of her age- red, bright, smiling, laughter, _love_ ) quickly set him free, assuring him that they believed him.)

-/-

The first time Sirius Black felt fear was during Harry's fourth year.

Harry was entered into a dangerous contest without his consent, and _Dumbledore_ had no idea what was going on, but told him to be careful. He found a series of caves he could hide in that was close enough to school that he could help out if everything went to hell (It went to hell at the end of the year, and Sirius felt fear because Voldy was _back_ ).

(He felt kindness for the first time when Harry ( _bright green eyes, helping hand; messy black hair, laughing wind_ ) had brought food and visited him in the caves (his loves would always save him.))

-/-

The first time Sirius Black felt anguish was when Severus Snape fire-called him.

Sirius did not expect Snape to be calling him of all people asking if he was alright. Then asking why the hell his stupid godson believed that he was being held hostage in the Department of Mysteries by the Dark Lord? Someone had told Dumbledore and the Order had never gotten assembled faster, as they sped to the Veil Room.

There was Harry, giving the prophecy to Malfoy, saving his friends, and despite the circumstances, he felt a rush of pride, he would do anything for his friends- ( _stupids, McGonagall, polka dots, bullies, Snivellius, dead-_ ) even if it meant giving Voldy what he wanted.

 _Hatred, agony, barbs, sarcasm, wild crazy hair, manic laughter, a flash of red light, shockwave backwards, the_ _ **Veil**_ _-_

 _Oh Harry, I'm so sorry._


End file.
